Thursday, October 29, 2009

Just One More . . .

Just one more smile, one more opporunity to see the sunrise and sunset, one more time to play with his brother, one more day to spend with his mom and dad, one more opporunity to learn of God's grace and love, one more day to play and ride his bike, one more day to run through the grass, one more day of school, one more chance to see God at work, please just one more day.
One more day is what I am asking God for in regards to Ismeal. Ismeal has ALL - acute lymphocytic leukemia. He was diagnosed about 1 yr ago and had tolerated his chemotherapy well and seemed to be in remission. He was back in school, riding his bike, playing with his brother, enjoying the life of a 5 year old. That all changed last week and now his cancer is back, full force. I have no medicine to give him to cure him of his cancer at this point. So the options are we don't try and fight the cancer and let him die, or we try to give him just one more day. . . week . . . month.
As I was walking to work this am, I wasn't prepared to have this discussion with his mom because I wasn't prepared not to fight, not to try, to let him go. I have cared for him for 1 yr now and have grown to love this little guy. He went from the Michelin man after taking so much prednisone to a skinny little kid who broke his leg when he fell off his bike a few months ago. When I saaw him this morning, he was sitting up, he didn't look like he was going to die today, there was still some life in him. I told his mom his cancer had come back and she just looked at me in disbelief. I told her the medicine we have been using isn't working and that eventually his cancer is going to kill him, but I don't know when. She didn't say anything for a while and neither did I as I was looking at Ismeal praying for one more day. I told her I can try the IV chemo again, and she quickly agree. She, too, isn't ready to say goodbye and hopes for one more . . .
The reality of the extent of this situation - knowing I have nothing to cure him, isn't easy to swallow. This isn't true only for Ismeal, but it is true for Nason, Buldung, Nathaniel, Simon, Cathy, and more. I am going to lose the fight against their cancer in most of these cases, but I am definitely not ready for it, as I was crying today discussing this with Bill. I don't have all the answers to the whys going through my head, but I do know that God is watching out for each of us and we can trust Him. I recently read in Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." God has a plan that I often don't understand, but I still need to trust Him.
Pray for Ismeal to enjoy each day and opportunity God gives him. Pray for his family during this time. Pray for this doctor to have wisdom in caring for him, and to have courage to face the hard times with the patients, and to trust God with his life and the life of all her patients.